End of first week after quarantine.
25 days of a different life.
(Link to Romanian https://buratino74.medium.com/post-covid-emotions-ro-bbe5e85933f8).
Today I had the energy and drive to add a little more insight to the post-covid experience.
Why?
Because it still seems to me that I underestimated it, given that I was aware of the danger from the very beginning. But not only for this reason.
After the daring civic episode on Sunday to sweep in front of the block for 40 minutes, I would not have known that only today, Thursday, I will be able to recover a little, my daily energy level managed only today to support me a little moreover, not only to pull me to keep my eyes open and breathe in a lethargic state but also to have the strength to take a shower, spend time shopping online for food and cooking. Obviously, I also cooked these days, but the effort to “gather” was very high.
Just for you to understand the impact on the style of a human life.
By the way, I start from the premise that you believe me, that you know that I do not run after pity, likes, comments, or what ever else, apart from a sincere desire based on good intentions to give you a personal perspective on something dangerous, intensely discussed all over the world for a year.
Why would I want that?
Do you know how the electrons in one molecule can move to another molecule to form other new molecules, completely different substances?
I think this is the general principle in this world, interaction and change, from the subatomic to the macroscopic level.
I cannot bring change myself but I can be part of a chain reaction that has the potential to bring change. This trigger, the process, the end, can have a positive impact on the people around us, enriching us and actually helping each other. This goal doesn’t have to be for everyone, but it’s for me. When I heard a similar post covid version told to me by someone else, I felt relieved and no longer felt alone in these feelings that I was trying to explain.
In a previous comment I said that I gave up 90% of my projects. This week I gave up everything. I had initially kept an online course that I thought I could take. I postponed it due to the fact that I did not have the internal resources to participate in the live lesson for two hours, twice a week, nor to do two homework a week.
I postponed the work projects. Not out of laziness. I postponed the work from the Sisyphean state that I felt all week when I managed to get to the computer, to sit in front of the work wanting to start the whole mental and physical process of working, create in this case. Not only was it difficult, the fatigue of every thought is hard to bear. The fatigue behind the eyes that you don’t understand, you just feel it, holds you tight like a vise. And finally, the physical exhaustion that gets worse with a sense of guilt because you know you have no easily observable and demonstrable reason, you haven’t done anything all day, but you feel like you’ve pushed a millstone. Here I am not talking about a management of emotions and feelings, but what I want is to paint them with the help of words.
Today, after four days in which I felt a tiny Sisyphus, not the one with illustrated muscles everywhere who still manages to reach the top of the hill, but a personal, small, fat Sisyphus, a Sisyphus who lost in the first week of illness about 5 kg but in the next one gained about 8–9 kg (to understand that there are some real changes, physical, quantifiable, quite dramatic in such a short period), today, this Sisyphus was better.
I will not make the mistake of being exuberant.
Signed
Sisyfat (portmanteau)
